December 10, 2012

Your true worth lies in the mirror.

I have spent years in self doubt. Treading the path of righteousnous and of what was expected of me as a 'good' daughter/ sister/ girlfriend/ lover. Of trying to live up to the expectations of the people around me. And somehow I have never truly lived up to the one person who should be most important- Me.

When I look into the mirror I find myself looking at only flaws- miniscule lines appearing on my forehead, that one half white hair on the crown of my head, a new spot or blemish, or the extra fat pockets on my cheek, waist or arms. I am never really satisfied.

People see an extremely confident person in me, someone who holds her head up high and is not afraid to state an opinion. But when that person looks in the mirror, the confidence falls away like a veil. All the self doubt and nervousness creeps in and makes me question myself and my life. And all of this stems from the fact that I belong to a family whose expectations can never be matched. Being a perennial disappointment because of how I look, how I behave or what I have achieved chips away at the carefully constructed self image. That every disappointment in my life is attributed as a failure and a picture of bleakness is painted for my future does not help.

In fact, it makes me question the intention of everyone who ever compliments me. When someone says "You are pretty" I look at them with disbelief- because surely this person must exagerrate or overlook my very obvious flaws. Or when someone says "They admire my confidence" I roll my eyes because they have no idea where that confidence stems from- from the basic need of self preservation. My friends have for years tried to reason with me- counselling against putting myself down at every juncture. But then, 29 years of conditioning does not disappear overnight.

I am trying, I truly am and I can finally say that I have learnt to love myself a little- flaws and all.

1 comment:

Megha Ghosh said...

And It makes me so incredibly happy that you have started! Muah!