Words in the wind...

Today has made me restless somehow. I felt the need to talk to someone and ponder over life's mysteries. Not that I have the time to. Not that I do not have a million tasks on my to-do list. Not that I won't get caught into inane discussions. And not that I won't regret staying up late at night because I was too restless to sleep. All of this notwithstanding, I really and truly crave the opportunity to sit and talk, really talk to someone. Just to hear myself think, to have someone as a soundboard, and to meld together a story from experiences that are different, and yet similar in a way. I miss the verbal sparring, the banter, the humour, and the power of an intelligent argument. The need to run and check facts, to reinforce what you already believed in, and to learn something new. My conversations these days have become all about the excel sheet numbers, and less about discovery. And it makes me feel sad. I wish I had people who would reach out to me and talk. So here are my words in the wind, a wish if you may...for conversation, and maybe some coffee while we try to unravel what it means to exist.

How are you really?

The other day one of my closest friends messaged asking me "How I was?". An innocuous question in itself, but it trigged myriad emotions in me. I thought of the fact that I didn't have a job, had been looking for one for some time, and was nowhere near finding one. I thought of how I had left India a year ago, sure that I was making the best move of my life, how I had left a great job, because I wanted to make a mark in North America. I thought about the endless battle against weight and body image, and how I was finally getting sick of trying. I thought about not finding love. About despairing that there was anyone out there for me. I thought of how I did not know whether my tomorrow was going to be better than today, and how increasingly I felt that it was an impossibility. Having pondered all of these thoughts triggered by her simple greeting, I thought of replying by saying, I am: depressed, frustrated, negative, tired, sad, irritated, angry, in pain,

spiralling out of control. Instead, I replied: I am fine.

Topsy Turvy world

This is a crazy world we live in, where killing children is justified revenge. Where raping women is considered pride. Where fighting religious wars is a noble quest. Where all lines of sanity have been blurred. A crazy world indeed. 

What is love?

Love is not about beauty, not even about mannerisms, or a body. Love is a feeling, that transcends the exterior, goes beyond everything that one projects about themselves to feel touched by the other's soul. Love is a state of being, and a promise that completes you and guides you through life. Love is friendship, companionship, acceptance and trust. What I loved most about you was your mind. And I hoped that you would love me too - when my body was misshapen and my soul was broken... I looked for you. But you were long gone.

Solitude

Being alone scared the hell out of me. But I have now come to realise that there is a strange sense of relief and also freedom in it. To not be answerable to someone for anything can be calming. For the first time in forever, I feel content in just being with myself. Enjoying my own company, and doing things that make me happy. I can truly say that I am a wonderful person in my own right, and I don't need anybody else for affirmation. 

Into the light...

I feel like I have been put under the microscope. Every inch of my being has been analysed, discussed and detailed. Numerous psychological and sociological tests that define my personality have been administered from the beginning of my MBA and I have been laid bare. It has been an uncomfortable experience, sometimes challenging, sometimes irritating and most times frustrating. However, I feel a strange sense of liberation as well. It seems like the darkest parts of my soul have been slowly but surely chipped away. I am now so much happier, more content and far more positive than I was early this year. Something within me has softened. I feel healed. And liberated.

Mirror Image

I am not like her. She has no ambition. She feels defeated, deflated and tired. She looks at the mirror and wonders where her best years went. Sleeps only so she can stop thinking of the what-ifs. I am not like her, a shell of a woman with no will to live. With darkness in her heart and no one to turn to when she feels vulnerable. I am not like her, she is less than perfect, with so many flaws that people look at her and make snap judgements about her whole being. She comes across as harsh, angry at the world and herself for letting people get to her. She stands defeated, nursing her wounds in the privacy of her bedroom. No one sees her tears, only the walls she puts up between herself and other people. She is beautiful in a wildly untameable way. I am not like her, only I am.

Rewind the clock and say "NO"

I wish I could rewind the clock. In my darkest hours and when despair tends to take over, I look to the past and wish I had never met you. Or I had never said "Yes". I wish I hadn't let you get close to me. I wish I had never been loved by you. I wish you had never emotionally tied me down. I wish you had never sapped my strength in your needy ways. I wish you had never called me and threatened to kill yourself- because it made me come back and pick you and your sorry little life up, piece by piece. I wish I had never given you the power to hurt me- to strip me down to my most vulnerable.

Turning 30...and the perils associated with being single at 30.

It has been exactly 10 days since the dreaded 3-0 birthday happened. I slept being 29 one night, only to emerge the next day as a 30 year old. And while I wept at the loss of my so called 'youth', a part of me was serene, calm even. Being 30 makes me feel a little wiser, with a better grip on my future. I am the woman who has challenged convention. Who refused to be paraded in front of suitable suitors & their families like cattle, to be looked up and down, and sneered or whose weak points would be pointed out and worse made into some sort of dowry bargaining chip. I am the person who has loved, lost, loved some more and then lost again. That I am proud of what I have achieved thus far is an understatement. I am a financially independent girl who is doing well in her career in an MNC and professionally I have reached my goals. However, not being married and being nowhere close to finding that significant other leaves you feeling empty. While I do not care much for what the society or my own community has to say about my being unmarried at 30, when all other women in the community do not cross 25 without marriage, it does put considerable pressure on me and my family. My family has been wholly supportive, if a little worried. I don't blame them for being worried, it is what families do. And yet, somewhere, the emptiness of not having that one relationship which you can count upon to be there when you need someone is overwhelming. I am waiting for serendipity to happen...and hoping that the wait wont be too long. So cheers to being 30 and fabulous!

Never look back....and yet we do.

The other day I reached out to someone who I had known for some time on a social media platform, and who like me was at a crossroads in life. Over coffee and advice on how to plan my future, we realised that we had been living parallel lives. He like me had had an extremely long relationship that did not work out and both of us had been left to pick up the pieces of our lives. What was ironical was that we both had laid out these plans of how our lives were going to be and in my case, 10 years later I had seen it all unravel like a spool of wool. By this time I was supposed to have done a second MBA, gotten married and started planning kids. And here I was, alone and without the person I had imagined a life with, mulling over whether it was the right time for the second MBA and wondering how I was supposed to prepare for the toughest test of my life (in my head). 

While this conversation ensured that I left with a conviction of where I was headed, it also brought back a flood of memories. Memories of moments spent charting out a future. Of shared dreams, destinies and best laid plans. Plans that were now empty of a direction. Plans that spoke of moments of togetherness. 

And then I did something I shouldn't have. I went back and looked at my past. Looked at where they were and what they were upto. For the ones who were married, I looked at the life they now led. Possibly happy and possibly content. The feeling of sorrow and emptiness that filled me was overwhelming. I was overcome with the feeling of sadness and loss. It felt like a death. And in so many ways it was, the death of a relationship/s. The death of bonds that held me here. In this place, all this while. 

In a way this journey also gave me a sense of release. Because I can now truly move on. The path before me is laid out once again and I have a purpose. A goal to achieve, another life to live.