In the morrow...

I wish i was someone else...in another world, another dimension, another reality, I wish i did not have to wake up everyday to face a sea of unknown people, I wish i had someone to come home to, I wish i could feel a sense of belonging, a sense of contentment and a sense of completeness. I wish tomorrow would bring me all of this...and if it cant, then i wish id remain suspended in the world of my dreams..where everything is how i want it to be.

Idle-ville

So here I am, sitting at the comp, looking at things that i could do to pass my time...Its been 2 months since MICA got over, and after the initial sadness, weariness and nostalgia, boredom set in....and how! My life nowadays revolves around sleeping, sleeping and some more sleeping...You can never get enough of it really! In between sleeping bouts, I surf the net, watch sitcom re-runs and read books that Iv probably read a million times before...If im really feeling adventurous, I do some sketching or photoshopping...then its back to ol snoreville...My partner in crime so-to-speak, is my 2 year old pet Lab Tiramisu- She and I are like minded souls with not a care in the world...All around me, people have a sense of purpose...they know exactly what they are doing...working to support families, realising their passions, protecting the Tigers, saving the world etc. while I lounge around looking for somebody to watch the new Pirates with...I tell myself that this is the only time in life when I wont be responsible for the welfare of another human being...not that I need justifications to be a slob...Would I be happier if I was knee deep in muck, giving my two bits to conservation I wonder...?

Shine on...

Starry night, Oh! so bright,
I wish i was a star tonight.

Far away from the earth below,
In solitude, so my thoughts would flow.

Flowing beauty like a stream,
Hope noone wakes me from this dream.

I dream big, I dream far,
Maybe one day, Il be that star...

HOPE...

Hope burns bright in the recesses of my mind,
For that elusive someone, who is hard to find.

In this jouney we call life,
Why does there have to be so much strife?

So much grief, so much sorrow,
Wondering if there ever will be tomorrow?

But something inside me shouts & screams,
That never give up on your dreams.

It may seem that darkness surrounds you,
But Sunshine will come one day. It is true.

Find the truth in your heart,
With your beliefs, never part.

For hope is the strongest of all feeling,
And without it, life has no meaning....

Is there such a thing as redemption?

I don’t think so. How would you then explain the fact that a person who has wronged you in the worst possible way, is happy while you are left to pick up the pieces of a shattered life? How do you explain that your best friend puts her interests before justice? How would you explain how sinners live a carefree life? How someone who has caused you such immense pain can look at the mirror every morning and not feel ashamed? And how do you explain how someone you loved could not care less whether you lived or died?

Sounds like a bunch of rants but I see it everyday. Try being in my shoes and see it happen to you on a daily basis. Try feeling the absolute despair and experience the unfairness of what life is meting out to you. And try to then understand what belief in karma means…

I question fate. I question destiny. And I question redemption.

Winter hibernation...

It is a cold winter post-dusk evening at Mica...The cool air manages to seep in through the layers of woollens and chill you to the very bone. With placements looming over my head like the proverbial sacrificial sword, the cold seems to be almost a way to numb oneself to the more pressing questions of the future. Its amazing how so many varied and utterly nonsensical thoughts swirl through my head at any given point of time. Thoughts about the people that you have spent the last one and a half years loving, hating or ignoring. About the fact that your closest friend is now pegged against you for the job that you may give anything to get. I find myself questioning the so called 'passion' with which I entered the Mican dream. Will any of this even matter when I am a doddering old lady I wonder? What of this experience will still linger on in the recesses of my mind? Who are the people I shall think about once I leave? Love, hate, anger, exasperation, frustration, sadness, irritation...all linked to people around me. Maybe I just end up thinking too much. As I near the end of my stay at Mica the feeling of not wanting to leave and also looking forward to leaving is almost a constant. Each placement ppt makes me realise the fact that we are getting closer and closer to leaving. One chapter of my life is ending and i so dont want it to end. But then I do too. I dont because Mica is a secluded haven. Away from civilisation, it is a vibrant community that has shown me a life I never knew existed. And I want to go because I seek to escape. Escape painful memories with people I wish I had never met. Escape memories that I would like to forget. And escape to be free...to fade into an unknown oblivion...................................

Justaju...

(writing something in hindi for the first time out here...)

Na Dil mein hain dastak koi,
Na man mein kuch ehsaas hain

Ye jism ek pinjar bana,
Aur tanhayee ka hain saath mila

Zindagi tera matlab hain kya?
Ye pucha humne sabse,

Zindagi tere dar par humme,
Rusvayee ke siva aur kuch na mila....

Existentiality:

Have you ever gotten up one day and felt like not living anymore? Have you thought of whether it would make a difference for anybody whether you were here or not? Have you looked around you and tried to imagine a scenario where you no longer exist? Looking around you, the birds would still sing, the grass would still be green, the peacocks would still strut, and the dopey guy next door would still blast his music. Nothing would ever change. Your friends will become used to you not being there. And life would move on. It is an eerie thought this. The fact that you have not made a difference in anybody’s life. And that nothing would change if you did vanish from the face of the earth. And then it hits you. Your existence for the past 23 years has been without purpose. Have you achieved anything in your life? And have you made an impression or touched anybody else’s heart. Have you made someone want you around? Have you made someone want to take care of you till the end of time? Have you found the one person in whose eyes you will find the meaning of your life? If you haven’t, then you are just one of those faceless shapes that flit around aimlessly. There is no point in your existence.

Memories

Life is an endless journey. A journey that we begin once we come into our own. Once we realise our essence and our individuality. Once we truly accept who we are and look at the possibilities of what we can become. We then start setting goals for ourselves. From little things like getting a prefect’s badge to bigger things like getting into an institute you have been dreaming about, the goals get bigger and bigger. Once each attempt has been deemed a success or a failure, we move on to the next one. It is the adrenaline of looking forward to something, which keeps us going. We need a meaning, a purpose and a cause to strive for. The rush that you feel when something goes right is like no other. And the immense pain when it doesn’t makes you learn to try harder till you get it right. At every stage, each person is faced with a crossroad. He must choose where he wants to go. The intricate web of each path is interwoven with our own individual destinies. At every instance in life, our destinies cross with those of other people’s. Every contact leaves us with something that is indelible. A gesture, a quirk, a characteristic and emotions related to each of these gives rise to memories.

The Tag that rebounded

(After trying my best and succeeding a wee bit to make a morose serpent feel better about the world in general, the Tag has rebounded on me. And after all those subtle reminders by Elver, here I am with the 10 things that make my world a better place)

• Family and Friends (including my dog): Family is what keeps you grounded at the end of the day. They make you feel that you belong- somewhere. They love you no matter what you do and stick by you when everything else is lost. Friends on the other hand are base on which you build your future. And my dog because she loves me unconditionally, looks at me as if I am the centre of her world and just melts my heart with her soulful eyes.
• Books: Books are the key to a different world. I have been a voracious reader ever since I can remember. Fantasies of a magical world, or a bitter story that was untold, books enable me to escape from the drudgeries of a routine world.
• Chocolates and Coffee: Two of my most favourite things in the world. I can live on just both of these!
• Love: What would the world be without love? Love in any form makes this world a worthwhile to live in. Therefore this list cannot be complete without it. Nor can the world- be complete that is.
• Pristine beaches/ Snow capped mountains: Running wild on a pristine beach or looking at the majestic mountains. Can it get more beautiful?
  
• Rainy days/ winter nights: Rainy days in Mumbai or winter nights in Ahmedabad. Both transform the city. Getting wet in the rain or snuggling in a blanket in winter nights makes for good poetry:)
• Sleeping and dreaming: Sleeping and dreaming. Two things i cant live without.
• Memories of magical moments: Moments in the past, memories of tomorrow. of walking around in Koregaon park or talking all night long, memories light up my soul.
• Music : Music that touches chords in my heart. What would life be without a song and dance? :P
• My cooking: Call it goulash if you will...

To pass the tag on I Tag:
- Bugs
- Vipin (when he does visit my blog)
- Quintessence (from PG)