HOPE...

Hope burns bright in the recesses of my mind,
For that elusive someone, who is hard to find.

In this jouney we call life,
Why does there have to be so much strife?

So much grief, so much sorrow,
Wondering if there ever will be tomorrow?

But something inside me shouts & screams,
That never give up on your dreams.

It may seem that darkness surrounds you,
But Sunshine will come one day. It is true.

Find the truth in your heart,
With your beliefs, never part.

For hope is the strongest of all feeling,
And without it, life has no meaning....

Is there such a thing as redemption?

I don’t think so. How would you then explain the fact that a person who has wronged you in the worst possible way, is happy while you are left to pick up the pieces of a shattered life? How do you explain that your best friend puts her interests before justice? How would you explain how sinners live a carefree life? How someone who has caused you such immense pain can look at the mirror every morning and not feel ashamed? And how do you explain how someone you loved could not care less whether you lived or died?

Sounds like a bunch of rants but I see it everyday. Try being in my shoes and see it happen to you on a daily basis. Try feeling the absolute despair and experience the unfairness of what life is meting out to you. And try to then understand what belief in karma means…

I question fate. I question destiny. And I question redemption.

Winter hibernation...

It is a cold winter post-dusk evening at Mica...The cool air manages to seep in through the layers of woollens and chill you to the very bone. With placements looming over my head like the proverbial sacrificial sword, the cold seems to be almost a way to numb oneself to the more pressing questions of the future. Its amazing how so many varied and utterly nonsensical thoughts swirl through my head at any given point of time. Thoughts about the people that you have spent the last one and a half years loving, hating or ignoring. About the fact that your closest friend is now pegged against you for the job that you may give anything to get. I find myself questioning the so called 'passion' with which I entered the Mican dream. Will any of this even matter when I am a doddering old lady I wonder? What of this experience will still linger on in the recesses of my mind? Who are the people I shall think about once I leave? Love, hate, anger, exasperation, frustration, sadness, irritation...all linked to people around me. Maybe I just end up thinking too much. As I near the end of my stay at Mica the feeling of not wanting to leave and also looking forward to leaving is almost a constant. Each placement ppt makes me realise the fact that we are getting closer and closer to leaving. One chapter of my life is ending and i so dont want it to end. But then I do too. I dont because Mica is a secluded haven. Away from civilisation, it is a vibrant community that has shown me a life I never knew existed. And I want to go because I seek to escape. Escape painful memories with people I wish I had never met. Escape memories that I would like to forget. And escape to be free...to fade into an unknown oblivion...................................

Justaju...

(writing something in hindi for the first time out here...)

Na Dil mein hain dastak koi,
Na man mein kuch ehsaas hain

Ye jism ek pinjar bana,
Aur tanhayee ka hain saath mila

Zindagi tera matlab hain kya?
Ye pucha humne sabse,

Zindagi tere dar par humme,
Rusvayee ke siva aur kuch na mila....

Existentiality:

Have you ever gotten up one day and felt like not living anymore? Have you thought of whether it would make a difference for anybody whether you were here or not? Have you looked around you and tried to imagine a scenario where you no longer exist? Looking around you, the birds would still sing, the grass would still be green, the peacocks would still strut, and the dopey guy next door would still blast his music. Nothing would ever change. Your friends will become used to you not being there. And life would move on. It is an eerie thought this. The fact that you have not made a difference in anybody’s life. And that nothing would change if you did vanish from the face of the earth. And then it hits you. Your existence for the past 23 years has been without purpose. Have you achieved anything in your life? And have you made an impression or touched anybody else’s heart. Have you made someone want you around? Have you made someone want to take care of you till the end of time? Have you found the one person in whose eyes you will find the meaning of your life? If you haven’t, then you are just one of those faceless shapes that flit around aimlessly. There is no point in your existence.

Memories

Life is an endless journey. A journey that we begin once we come into our own. Once we realise our essence and our individuality. Once we truly accept who we are and look at the possibilities of what we can become. We then start setting goals for ourselves. From little things like getting a prefect’s badge to bigger things like getting into an institute you have been dreaming about, the goals get bigger and bigger. Once each attempt has been deemed a success or a failure, we move on to the next one. It is the adrenaline of looking forward to something, which keeps us going. We need a meaning, a purpose and a cause to strive for. The rush that you feel when something goes right is like no other. And the immense pain when it doesn’t makes you learn to try harder till you get it right. At every stage, each person is faced with a crossroad. He must choose where he wants to go. The intricate web of each path is interwoven with our own individual destinies. At every instance in life, our destinies cross with those of other people’s. Every contact leaves us with something that is indelible. A gesture, a quirk, a characteristic and emotions related to each of these gives rise to memories.

The Tag that rebounded

(After trying my best and succeeding a wee bit to make a morose serpent feel better about the world in general, the Tag has rebounded on me. And after all those subtle reminders by Elver, here I am with the 10 things that make my world a better place)

• Family and Friends (including my dog): Family is what keeps you grounded at the end of the day. They make you feel that you belong- somewhere. They love you no matter what you do and stick by you when everything else is lost. Friends on the other hand are base on which you build your future. And my dog because she loves me unconditionally, looks at me as if I am the centre of her world and just melts my heart with her soulful eyes.
• Books: Books are the key to a different world. I have been a voracious reader ever since I can remember. Fantasies of a magical world, or a bitter story that was untold, books enable me to escape from the drudgeries of a routine world.
• Chocolates and Coffee: Two of my most favourite things in the world. I can live on just both of these!
• Love: What would the world be without love? Love in any form makes this world a worthwhile to live in. Therefore this list cannot be complete without it. Nor can the world- be complete that is.
• Pristine beaches/ Snow capped mountains: Running wild on a pristine beach or looking at the majestic mountains. Can it get more beautiful?
  
• Rainy days/ winter nights: Rainy days in Mumbai or winter nights in Ahmedabad. Both transform the city. Getting wet in the rain or snuggling in a blanket in winter nights makes for good poetry:)
• Sleeping and dreaming: Sleeping and dreaming. Two things i cant live without.
• Memories of magical moments: Moments in the past, memories of tomorrow. of walking around in Koregaon park or talking all night long, memories light up my soul.
• Music : Music that touches chords in my heart. What would life be without a song and dance? :P
• My cooking: Call it goulash if you will...

To pass the tag on I Tag:
- Bugs
- Vipin (when he does visit my blog)
- Quintessence (from PG)

Nothingness...

(This poem was written during the rare moments when the poet had nothing better to do but stare into nothingness...mind you these moments are rare...extremely rare!)


Staring into space, and the nothingness of time…
As the world goes by; doesn’t give a dime,

Waiting for another day to pass by,
Only to ask the question, ‘Why?’

Why are we here?
What purpose do we serve?

Why is she better than me?
Oh, she has some nerve!

Tomorrow dawns on me,
In a fresh and dewy kind of way,

As the first rays of sunshine spill across my face,
There is nothing left to say…

Time moves on while I stand still,
Still searching for answers, and also the will…

The will to go on, to not give in,
To fight till the very end; To finally win.

What is love?

I have been trying to get to the bottom of this one for a long time now, but haven’t yet been able to get a satisfactory answer. Nonetheless I trudge on with a weariness that makes me almost cynical. Growing up on a host of sordid books that claimed that true love would come and sweep you off your feet, I waited for my knight in shining armour to come and rescue me from the clutches of an unfair world. Sounds dramatic eh? But that’s exactly how I perceived it to be. Waiting endlessly did not work (well obviously.. :P) and so I decided to take matters into my own hands…

I thought if love doesn’t find me, I shall! Therefore, off I went on the lookout for that elusive being who would love me. And then, it happened. At the age of 13 I looked at my brother’s friend and fell in love. Or so I thought. I looked at him coyly and started stuttering crazily whenever I met him. I started looking for hints in what could only have been mundane conversations and convinced myself that he had feelings for me too. I built up an entire story in my head about us living happily ever after. Until of course my parents found out. They decided that I was much too young to have an infatuation and I was severely reprimanded for behaving in a manner that was too big for my shoes (wonder where that came from).

So, I stopped thinking about this particular guy but vowed to myself that my parents would not come to know of my feelings for anyone henceforth. And so it stayed. My junior years at college passed without incident until I reached Degree College. In my first few days in college itself I saw someone who literally made my world stop. Everything around me went hazy when I looked at him and things started moving slower than ever. I am not kidding when I say that everything took on an ethereal quality. So much so that I thought I had made him up (considering the fact that noone could find him). I found out later on that he was studying in another course. To cut a long story short, the stuttering, wild beating heart, and the nervousness all came back with a vengeance and I couldn’t even muster up the courage to talk to him. However, I did see him go out with someone else and decided to put love on the back burner again.

Strangely enough, I started doubting what love actually was. After all, on both occasions I hardly knew the guys and to say I loved them would be really silly. Therefore, I decided that love could be developed. So I started seeing people and relationships came and went. But love? I was not so sure.

Now after a string of relationships, once again I feel my heart beat, the craziness of wanting that something to happen engulf me once more and I ask myself? Love? Nah…I don’t think so…;)

FROM CHAOS TO ……CHAOS?

(After a sabbatical of 4 months am back with the longest post iv ever written...Hope u read it till the end.)

The days, weeks and months have flown on a whirlwind of activity. It seems like yesterday that I first stepped into a world that was so cut off from reality- Mica. Second term at Mica, as somebody warned us, was the one with the most fun! Micanvas, Sankalp, and other extra curriculars were all crammed into one term making it the one with the most sleepless nights ever recorded in pgp-1’s history! As we looked at the schedule for second term, we wondered just how we were going to get any studying done.

First up was Micanvas, our inter B-school fest that attracted participation from B-schools all over the country. 3 days of undiluted learning intermingled with the right amount of creativity and entertainment made the perfect combination. Unprecedented preparation included looking after the slightest details, and a mind boggling logistical network; pens, ids, folders, markers, beds, pillows, transport and what not! 3 days in which the best minds in the country competed with each other equipped with an undefeatable spirit. 3 whole days in which Mica rocked to the music of Parikrama and the Unlike No ones (Mica’s very own band), to the theatrics of Evam and the party thrown by Trinetra- this was replete with foot tapping music and Cold Coco! The end result: Insomnia, bloodshot eyes and a contented heart for your average Mican.

Then the Diwali break arrived, which saw most pgp-1’s heading back to their homes to spend the festival of lights with family. But not this particular group of women (me included of course!), who had the crazy idea of jetting off to Diu to spend Diwali by the Arabian Sea (almost sounds like a song ;)… So, how do most people spend their vacation at a new place? Exploring all the touristy places and sightseeing temples and old forts maybe… But not us, we went there for sleep, sand, shells and the sun…in that precise order! That is not to say that we did not enjoy ourselves, to the contrary we came back looking like Cheshire cats who had just siphoned off all the cream…*sigh*

While my mind still lay in the golden sand of Diu, my reverie was broken with endless assignments that poured in from every possible direction. Suddenly, life did not seem so beautiful, what with Economics, Ethics and other ‘E’ subjects latching on to us with a vengeance. After what seemed like some more endless-sleepless nights, we settled in to accept the vagaries of faith and the rut of a repetitive routine. However, all that was about to change.

Sankalp had started to make its presence felt. Sankalp- the annual theatrical presentation of Mica was ready to go forward on all cylinders fired. So, with the help of one of the biggest cast & crews ever, ‘Suraj Ka Saatwan Ghoda’, which was this year’s play, was born. Now our days were spent looking at Brochure, Poster, and Ticket designs, visualizing the final look and basically thinking laterally and pretending to look busy! Creatives at Sankalp was an experience far removed from anything I had ever done before. Seeing the designs in my head actually emerging in print form was just exhilarating! Those days also brought back memories of the time I spent in an ad agency quibbling with the creatives over commas and full stops. Only, I was on the other side this time and someone else was doing the quibbling (a case of coming full circle indeed!). Creatives however, was just a small part in the mega scheme of things, creatives did not make the play, it was made by the actors, the story and the direction. All of which melded together to give Ahmedabad three whole days of entertainment unlimited. It also gave us some more sleepless nights (that goes without saying I guess).

Sankalp had just gotten over when we realized that we wouldn’t be stepping out of the classroom for a long long long time. Portions had to be completed and the admin office was ensuring that it would literally be knocked into our heads, by hook or by crook. So it came that a very tired bunch of first years trudged in to class and got imprisoned in the world of the GDP, SLR, CRR, and what not (understanding/not understanding? Not understanding of course!) But the term and its breakage of routine was not over yet.

We suddenly found out that we had been short listed for a marketing competition at FMS Delhi. So there I found myself traveling across India to Delhi for a 4 day visit packed with loads of traveling and little sleep. Intense competition from a ‘Demon’ from IIM Indore and the team from MDI saw us finishing 3rd, losing out by our flawed pricing strategy. However, Delhi itself was an experience to remember, as I was visiting the city after eons and lapped in the colours and sights that it had to offer. We returned to Ahmedabad a little wiser about under pricing and over spending (damn should have stayed awake in those pricing sessions!) but not with defeated souls!

As soon as we landed at Mica, the prospects of the exams loomed over us. Imagine an exam when you have not even looked at the book forget skimming through its contents. So we had the mighty task of achieving gold medals in speed reading with maximum retention (like that was ever going to happen), and emerging unscathed. All I can say after this was that I survived two terms at Mica.

What with the second term finally over after the killer exams (although we all hail a collective sigh of relief at no more economics or quant…yeah!) and the insaneness of the schedule that we kept in the last few months, we said goodbye to each other and stepped back into the ‘civilised’ world.