Words in the wind...

Today has made me restless somehow. I felt the need to talk to someone and ponder over life's mysteries. Not that I have the time to. Not that I do not have a million tasks on my to-do list. Not that I won't get caught into inane discussions. And not that I won't regret staying up late at night because I was too restless to sleep. All of this notwithstanding, I really and truly crave the opportunity to sit and talk, really talk to someone. Just to hear myself think, to have someone as a soundboard, and to meld together a story from experiences that are different, and yet similar in a way. I miss the verbal sparring, the banter, the humour, and the power of an intelligent argument. The need to run and check facts, to reinforce what you already believed in, and to learn something new. My conversations these days have become all about the excel sheet numbers, and less about discovery. And it makes me feel sad. I wish I had people who would reach out to me and talk. So here are my words in the wind, a wish if you may...for conversation, and maybe some coffee while we try to unravel what it means to exist.

How are you really?

The other day one of my closest friends messaged asking me "How I was?". An innocuous question in itself, but it trigged myriad emotions in me. I thought of the fact that I didn't have a job, had been looking for one for some time, and was nowhere near finding one. I thought of how I had left India a year ago, sure that I was making the best move of my life, how I had left a great job, because I wanted to make a mark in North America. I thought about the endless battle against weight and body image, and how I was finally getting sick of trying. I thought about not finding love. About despairing that there was anyone out there for me. I thought of how I did not know whether my tomorrow was going to be better than today, and how increasingly I felt that it was an impossibility. Having pondered all of these thoughts triggered by her simple greeting, I thought of replying by saying, I am: depressed, frustrated, negative, tired, sad, irritated, angry, in pain,

spiralling out of control. Instead, I replied: I am fine.