Why women are their worst enemies...

Recently I met one of my oldest friends who had come down from the states, after a gap of nearly two years. She was attending another common friend's wedding at my insistence. I had asked her to be part of the wedding since she was here anyway. Now my friend is someone who is profoundly beautiful in her simplicity. She is genuinely the nicest person I have ever come across and very rarely criticises anyone else, always seeing the good in every situation. She is also someone who suffers from low self esteem about her own body image and has struggled with her weight gain for some time. That she had put on a few kilos since the last time we had met had not even registered with me since I was just so happy to meet after such a long time.

And then we met this snarky classmate of ours at this wedding, and the first thing she had to say after meeting my friend was "Look at you, you have inflated like a balloon!" This classmate is someone who herself suffers from a weight problem and has nothing going for her in the looks department. And yet, the only way she can think of making herself feel good is by pulling down someone else. My friend was extremely hurt by this careless comment and will carry the effects of that stinging remark for a long time. And this brings me to the point I am trying to make. Women in general can be extremely vicious to one another. In our quest for perfection, we try and point out flaws of everyone we meet, just so we can compare how we are doing in comparison. We revel in someone else' misfortune and feel secretly happy when someone else fails. We delve into our enemies lives and try to guage whether they are miserable or not, and if not, try and add to their misery with bitchy statements and careless remarks. I have seen my share of such women, and I have only one thing to say to the likes of you:

Remember that you are your worst enemy. You are the reason why you failed- that you will fail is an inevitability and when you do, there will be someone else in the world who will laugh and rejoice at your failure. But you brought this on yourself. Everytime you knowingly went ahead and spoke against someone else, belittled someone, or compared lives with those you think are less fortunate than you are, you challenged fate into bringing the same upon yourself. And when fate deals you that final blow, I hope that you take one moment to think about what this makes you- a pathetic, desperate loser.

Your true worth lies in the mirror.

I have spent years in self doubt. Treading the path of righteousnous and of what was expected of me as a 'good' daughter/ sister/ girlfriend/ lover. Of trying to live up to the expectations of the people around me. And somehow I have never truly lived up to the one person who should be most important- Me.

When I look into the mirror I find myself looking at only flaws- miniscule lines appearing on my forehead, that one half white hair on the crown of my head, a new spot or blemish, or the extra fat pockets on my cheek, waist or arms. I am never really satisfied.

People see an extremely confident person in me, someone who holds her head up high and is not afraid to state an opinion. But when that person looks in the mirror, the confidence falls away like a veil. All the self doubt and nervousness creeps in and makes me question myself and my life. And all of this stems from the fact that I belong to a family whose expectations can never be matched. Being a perennial disappointment because of how I look, how I behave or what I have achieved chips away at the carefully constructed self image. That every disappointment in my life is attributed as a failure and a picture of bleakness is painted for my future does not help.

In fact, it makes me question the intention of everyone who ever compliments me. When someone says "You are pretty" I look at them with disbelief- because surely this person must exagerrate or overlook my very obvious flaws. Or when someone says "They admire my confidence" I roll my eyes because they have no idea where that confidence stems from- from the basic need of self preservation. My friends have for years tried to reason with me- counselling against putting myself down at every juncture. But then, 29 years of conditioning does not disappear overnight.

I am trying, I truly am and I can finally say that I have learnt to love myself a little- flaws and all.

Reflections of a restless mind

Days fade in and out. And yet nothing seems normal anymore. The routine fails to inspire even a modicum of emotion, until you realise you are not 'living' life, but just existing. Existing to just get through each day. Only to face another one. A life without meaning.